Finding My Inner Self

I am a 52 year old woman, which has lived many years, since the age of eleven, abusing substances; starting with huffing lighter fluid and model airplane glue, and then moving on to alcohol and marijuana as I moved into my early teens. I began to medicate myself due to the chaos and abuse that I was enduring as a younger child. To be honest, I felt great relief from these substances and they assisted in blocking my painful living circumstances of my home life. I was a young child who loved to attend school to be given guidance, direction and affection from my school teachers. There, at school, I felt cared for and respected, and most importantly safe. I excelled in my elementary years and was given much praise by my loving teachers and even respected the discipline when I was out of line in my behaviors. I valued their guidance tremendously. I continued to cling to my teachers throughout my junior high years and high school, (though having difficulties, with mischievous behaviors in 8th grade) and tried my hardest to do my best, just to receive their positive comments and praise.

At the age of seven, I began to ride a Church bus alone to and from services and I also belonged to a neighborhood Bible study that an elderly couple would pick me up for once a week and take me into their home to share the word of God and have fun outings for us, between the ages of about ten and fourteen. This couple was a very good influence on me. Though most of these programs I belonged to were only during the school year, so in the summer months I would turn back to my substances for comfort.

My hands trembled with nervousness as a young teen, as I was a caretaker to my mother whom then was a single parent, relying on me to help solve her adult issues and care for my younger sister, seven years younger than me. I did all I could do to protect her from the evil doings of my mother, such as; her verbal and emotional abuse to myself and my brother whom was one year older than myself. I loved my siblings dearly and was the protector in the household.

When I became a high school student; as a junior, the school provided a Girls Fast Pitch softball team. I joined and the sport came to me naturally, as I had played a lot of “sandlot ball” with the boys in my neighborhood as a younger child. I then, grew spiritually on the ball field, giving credit to my God as I prayed throughout each game that the ball would be hit to me and that I would perform to the best of my ability, and I don’t want to sound as though I am boasting, I became a very good softball player (second baseman). I had a wonderfully talented coach, a black Christian woman in a predominantly white school district, who made me work hard and disciplined me well. I found a new way to get out the aggressions that were bottled up inside of me, that were making me feel ill, nervous and so different from my peers. As graduation from high school approached, my coach took me to the side and said she had applied for me a Full Scholarship to a Christian college that was approximately 50 minutes from my home. I was in awe and ecstatic, to think I had earned such a reward, and very grateful that it was a Christian based college besides, where I could learn to grow in Christ. Unfortunately, I brought this to my mother’s attention and her respond was devastating to me. Her words were; that I could not attend, as I needed to stay home and help her raise my little sister and that I had too foul of a mouth to attend a Christian college anyways. I was too embarrassed to inform my Coach of my mother’s orders; that I was not allowed to attend, so I played it off as if I personally had no interest and after time the Scholarship had been revoked due to my declining of it.

To make a long story shorter, I grew to “hate” my mother for this! Six months later, without informing anyone, I went to the Army Recruiting Center, took the test in my home town and was asked; when I would like to enter the service; my answer was, “As soon as I can possibly go.” They jumped on that of course, drove me 250 miles from home, with only the clothes I had on my back, literally pushed me through the physical and had me on my way from Michigan to Ft. Jackson, South Carolina in less than 24 hours. I did contact my mother in Atlanta, Ga. Airport and told her I joined the service. She informed me to not contact her throughout my entire duty commitment, claiming it would make her miss me too much.

Then, in the military, remember I am talking 34 years ago, where there were very few enlisted women, who trained with the men, I found that on “free time, or what they called, “pass time,” the majority went to the club. This is where I again found the “Bottle of Beer,” to be my new-found friend again. I then spent my enlistment excelling and moving through the ranks at a very fast pace, but realizing that I was a functional alcoholic, medicating the pains of my past.

Finally, to the diagnosis of my Mental Illness; I had a “melt down” in the year 2000, as I was remarried with children, in a second marriage, in counseling trying to learn how to blend a new family. I was substance free, involved in my Church, and living a very spiritual life with a Non-Christian husband, who’s favorite pastime was to go to the bars and drink until closing time. I had arrived at a point now, where I refused to participate in going to the bars or in the drinking. During my sobriety, came flooding flashbacks of incest and a very chaotic, abusive childhood that were blocked by many years of alcoholism. I realized at this point that my perpetrator had spent alone time with my children in their six & seven years of life and could have possibly sexually abused them also. I lost it, literally.

At the hands of my mother and whom I referred to as my alcoholic husband, I was petitioned by the courts; to a Mental Health Facility for having such thoughts of possible abuse to my children and the fact that “they,” had considered me a religious fanatic. It took three long weeks, with five-minute consultations with several different psychiatrists and I was given a diagnosis of Bi Polar Disorder. I was highly medicated, released and was led to believe my memories were not real, and my children, even at that young age were taught by my mother and husband; videos and all, on the illness of Bi Polar and that I was a very ill women.

I spent the next eleven years, on and off of alcohol and marijuana, and hammered with more and more psycho tropic medications with any complaint I had. I finally entered AA at on my own accord, stopped the drinking completely, but still struggled on and off with marijuana. My new coping mechanism became through a joint or seventeen hours of sleep a day. I was what I had called a “walking zombie,” mostly due to all the psychic tropic medications the psychiatrist put me on. If I refused a medication, I was considered, “non-compliant” and getting even sicker. And of course, I had to keep my memories of incest and spiritual beliefs to myself, or that meant to my husband, my mother and my psychiatrist that I was nearing another mental break down.

After coming clean and sober from the alcohol, I began to see a therapist at my Community Mental Health Agency in town. He had a listening ear, open mind and heart, and believed my story of childhood abuse. He worked with me for two years, once a week and made a big impact on building my self-esteem and teaching me to trust my faith in God again, as he learned that was a priority in my life and he respected that. He then suggested that I take the Wellness Recovery Action Planning, usually referred to as the WRAP,(founded by; Mary Ellen Copeland), group. that hadn’t been established for too long in my community. The WRAP was a huge eye opener to me. To put things down on paper about myself, it helped me to learn who I was again. And The fact that the two facilitators, were individuals that had also been, previously diagnosed with Mental Illnesses; and one had also shared that she had been mistreated and over medicated by psychiatrists to almost the point of no return, helped me to not feel so alone in the system of psychiatry. I built a strong tool box, which most importantly, to me included my belief in God. I had chosen then and there, that I was not going to let anyone steal my faith in God away from me, ever again. Another huge lesson I had learned from the Wellness Recovery Action Planning (WRAP), was the suggestion of getting five good supporters in my life! I made that my main goal.

It took a lot of trusting in other human beings and all the faith I could possibly muster in my God, but I began to share my story little pieces at a time with friends and fellow Church members, that I felt out slowly and believed to be trustworthy. In a couple of years, I had realized that I had developed a very strong foundation of human support and friendships. This made a world of a difference in my life and a new-found confidence and joy.

Since then, I have worked as a Certified Peer Support Specialist for almost six years, became a WRAP facilitator, and now I am taking time out for myself to grow even more spiritually with God. There has been several ups and downs along this journey that I have begun to write a memoir about, with the prayers of helping others through abusive relationships and addiction recovery. I must mention, that for me I did what I needed to do, and I found me a very good Christian therapist who specializes in Trauma, worked diligently on my flashbacks, nightmares, boundaries and self-esteem, and continued to build my faith in God, and shared my WRAP with my five supporters whom change over the years as my growth and friendships change. My diagnosis has been re-evaluated and now I carry a diagnosis of PTSD and I only take anxiety medication prescribed and monitored by my Family Physician.

I have forgiven those who have betrayed me and ridiculed my beliefs in God. As we may never suppose that our standard of forgiveness is higher than God’s standard. He objectively offered me forgiveness and the restoration of fellowship with my mother and previous husband. His forgiveness is not subjectively realized however, until we repent (Luke 6:37-38), which I have done, by God’s Grace. Therefore, I feel that I have been very blessed, and healed deeply. I know if this blessing can happen to me in can definitely happen to you. Just Never Give Up. Amen.